Blood draws, numbers, more blood draws, tears, heartache, final blood draw...

So, when we last left our heroines, they were doing the HCG number counting game. Health lesson: When a woman gets pregnant, every three days, a chemical called HCG has to double in numbers. That increase in numbers indicates that the pregnancy is progressing as it should. Our first blood test rang in with a solid "20". This was our starting point. So in three days (for the math challenged), we should have at least a 40. Each time we have to go in for a test, we are crossing every possible appendage to make sure those numbers double. This is the farthest we've gotten in this process so it's like we were even more nervous...there was so much more vested now. We had a baby or two growing in there. So, three days after our first blood draw, we go in for number two....holding our breath, waiting AGAIN for the longest two hour wait in the world. Pam calls. The numbers are in. 55. Yep, that's more than doubled! Whoo-hoo. By the way, we were told that if the first three blood tests continue to increase, changes are very good that the pregnancy will "take" and continue on. We are two thirds of the way there!

The second test was on a Monday, our next one (the big one) would be on Thursday. Well, my friends, this is where things get a little sticky.

Tuesday at work, Heidi came into my office, looking very upset. I'm still on the second blood test high so I'm a little confused. She went to the restroom. There was blood. OK, let's not panic. Maybe it was from implantation? Unfortunately, we were past that stage. Some women spot and everything turns out fine. Of course, our first task was to call Pam. What do we do? What does this mean? What? What? What? Pam put Heidi on bed rest for the rest of the day and moved our blood test to the next day. I took Heidi home, hating to leave her there, and went back to work. I sat in my office thinking that this has to be normal. It just has to...

Heidi called me about 15 minutes after I got back to work. The bleeding was worse. I called Pam again...what do we do? Her response...nothing. There's nothing we can do. It could be normal. It could be something else. We would find out tomorrow with the blood test. I went back home.

It is amazing how fast the roller coaster of emotion works. It was such a quick descent into despair from that brief moment of high. How does that even happen? How can you do what it takes to reassure your wife that things will be fine when inside, you're scared as hell. How do you maintain optimism, a strong front, when you are so afraid that the few days we had being pregnant would be all we would get?

The next morning, we silently drive to the doctor's office for a blood test. We both are expecting the worse, feeling like we are prepared for it. When we walk in, no more was the excitement and hugs of happiness. Instead, there are hugs of comfort, of condolences. A very silent blood draw. We ask a couple of questions. Can there be blood and still everything be OK? Yes, that can happen. Well, what about if both embryo's took and then one ceased to thrive; could that cause bleeding? Yes, that could happen but it doesn't happen often. On to our two hour wait.

The phone rings. We need to have at least something in the 80's since we were a day early. Number is 57. Not a good sign. Only two points in two days. We were shattered, heart-broken. How could we get this far and then have this happen? How? There was such an unfairness about the whole thing. Why? Pam advised we would need to come back in for another test just to make sure it wasn't a lab error. Heidi had to continue taking her medications and shots, add a little insult to injury here.

We go back, again, the next day for yet another blood draw. As we are leaving, I asked what the chances of the lab making a mistake were. Slim. In traditional smart ass fashion, I tell Pam that calling me slim at a moment like this didn't have the same flattering effect it normally would. We go back to work. We had already spent our time mourning our loss so we went back to work. Heidi didn't even care to know when Pam called, she knew the results, there was no point in caring at this point how far the numbers went down.

Sitting in my office, I see Pam's call come through. Deep breath. Here's the moment of truth. "Hey Slim" she says. "Hey back" I say in my new melancholy voice. She says, "I said hey slim". Yea? So...your slim chance. Your numbers are over 100. What the hell? How the hell? "Hold on, Pam...I have to go get Heidi!". Conveniently enough, Heidi sits right outside my office. I call her in and we shut the door. I tell her Pam needs to talk to her because I was pretty sure she wouldn't believe me.

So, what does this mean? One of the tests were wrong but which one??? We were scheduled to go back in Saturday morning for another blood test. Well, now, Saturday morning was a really busy morning. This was the day of my 40th birthday party. This was the day we had originally decided we would announce our good news to family and friends. We just needed one more good blood test to convince us. Right now, though, we didn't know what to think, which test to believe. So, in we go...Heidi donating more of her blood, what little she must have left. We prepare to wait our two hour period...we know the drill. As we get ready for the party, which we had discussed cancelling earlier in the week but decided against it because that would mean explaining to 80 or so people what was happening. Not all of those people even knew we were doing fertility treatments. With all that was going on and going wrong, neither of us had the energy to tell that tale. So, we just decided to hope for the best and continue on with the party.

We managed to blow up Pam's phone most of the day. "Lab's slow today". "There's a machine down in the lab". "Sometimes this happens if they are busy". All day, different reasons we didn't know the blood test results. Now, it was time for the party to start and we still didn't know the results.

Party happens. Fun despite the stress...a nice break from the week. Pam shows up to the party (yes, we invited both of our nurses) and we ask her if she heard anything. Nope she says. I suspect she's being less than honest with us.

The next morning, a text from Pam. Number is 20. As suspected, Heidi was miscarrying. Because of the meds she was on, it couldn't "complete" the process. We stopped taking the medicines and a few days later, it happened. We were done. All of our hopes for this gone. Our hearts broken. Our emotions exhausted and I think we were the saddest we have ever been in this process. One more blood test is needed. Number is 5. We're done. No more baby or babies. Our most devastating week followed our most amazing week.

So, where are we now? On a break. The medicines were so hard on Heidi and her little body. The loss of the baby was so hard on her emotionally. We've just decided we need a little break, for minds, hearts and bodies. So until next time, which may or may not be at the end of October, we are on a baby making break. Time to regroup and get strong again.

The benefit, if you remember, is that we have some eggs still frozen so the next cycle should be a lot easier, less meds, no aspiration. I'm not sure what to do at this point. Waiting is hard, not waiting is hard. Thinking about it is hard. Not thinking about it is hard. It's like our lives are on hold. We're just so ready to start the next phase. Maybe this will be our Christmas gift this year. I had hoped to have it as my birthday gift, but it wasn't to be. Maybe Christmas...