After yet another ten days of waiting, we found ourselves in very familiar territory. The home pregnancy test we took at home before the blood test was a big fat negative. We tried to talk ourselves into feeling like it was just too early for an EPT to pick up something as important as this, but, well, we knew. Heidi knew, to be exact. She has always been very intuitive. She knew she was going to miscarry. How? I don't know. She just knew. So, while I tried to reassure her that there was still hope this time, she already knew.
I sent a text to our nurse, asking that she tell me when the blood test results came in. I wanted to be able to prepare Heidi for whatever the result would be. I don't know why. She knew. She just knew.
When the call came in, prepare I did. I think I didn't want to hear from Pam because it would finalize what we already felt. If she didn't call, it meant there was still hope. When the call came, the hope was gone. Again. Much like waiting, you'd think we would be better at preparing ourselves. You'd think we would be better at hearing the final words..."I'm sorry. I just heard from the lab. The test came back negative." Oh the cursed words that we have come to hate and dread. And now, I had to tell Heidi, for the sixth time, that all that she wanted was not to be. How was it that the most amazing, kindest person I know can't get just this one thing? While I would never wish this on anyone, I pondered the fairness in unwanted pregnancies. I pondered the fairness of parents who didn't want their babies. Parents who killed their children instead of treasuring them. And here we were, wishing for nothing more that just to have that simple, natural event take place.
I called Heidi into my office. Adding a little insult to injury was the fact that I had to tell her while we were at work. She came in. She knew. But knowing still didn't stop the tears from coming. Even with only the tiniest shred of hope, there was still a shred. And I was the person who took that away from her. Sitting in my office, she cried. My heart broke. It broke for her and her immeasurable sadness. It broke for us and one more failure in our endeavor. It broke with the feeling of helplessness I felt in that moment. I'd always been the strongest proponent of positive thinking and here I was, feeling defeated. Feeling like I had nothing more to offer. No more words of hope.
And so our day continued. Much like any other day, back to work, but with broken hearts.
Us
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Tales from the Ice Age (Or...Defrosting Frozen Embryos)
So, when we last left off, we were impatiently awaiting the arrival of a little thing called ovulation. On top of the big ovulation moment, we were also anxiously awaiting the transfer and more importantly, to learn how many embryos would survive the thaw. To save you the trouble of surfing back through previous posts, we had five frozen embryos waiting to be transferred into the warm innards of Ms. Heidi's uterus. Five...not bad numbers except that it was highly unlikely they would all survive the thaw. So, here we were, once again in the throes of antici...pation (said with the same articulation as Dr. Frank-n-Furter from Rocky Horror). We wouldn't know how many would survive until right before the anticipated transfer. Just to throw some irrelevant statistics out there, we have spent a total of sixty days throughout this process waiting for pregnancy test results. From time of insemination or IVF to blood test...a total of sixty days, that's nine plus weeks, two whole months. Just waiting. And here we were again...waiting. One would think that we would have become professional at it. But no. We are horrible at waiting.
As we wait, we continue our experimentation with eastern medicine. Our second acupuncture on March 6th had more needles added in addition to those previously added to the tummy. Somehow, eastern medicine says that adding hollow needles to Heidi's ears, that tiny spot between her eyes, along her hairline, and a few in the leg will help the fertility gods bless her baby making parts. This episode of sci-fi acupuncture finds Heidi wrapped in a silver mylar blanket for warmth. We were also introduced to a special Chinese herb cocktail via some kind of charcoal looking thing that was lit on fire and blown out and circled around the needles in her belly. We are told it is, in fact, not voo-doo. We are not so sure but hey, at this point, we're willing to do whatever it takes, even if it means summoning some unknown voodoo god. The acupunturist assures us that instead of voodoo, the ancient Chinese believed that this particular concoction would be absorbed through the acupuncture needles to increase circulation in the reproductive parts. The Chinese referred to it as getting the cold out of the belly. Yep. That's what we did. We got the cold out of the belly.
On March 9th, we go back to Dr. Weldon's office. We are so excited to be back! Heidi bakes brownies for the girls (because we all know fertilization and implantation is more successful with chocolate!). We are welcomed with big hugs from Pam and Tana (our favorite nurses...ever!). Then we head back to the exam room. Now, it takes a moment for us to realize that the last time we were in this room, we got pregnant. It takes my breath away, even now, thinking about it. The last time...pregnant. The only thing that could pull us back from this reverie of sadness was, of course, Pam and Tana, entering the room as my wife sat half-naked on the exam table because they missed us so much. They wanted to come visit while we waited on Dr. Weldon. Did I mention Heidi was half naked? Bottom half? I did...
So, after some half-naked chitchat, Dr. Weldon came in to do his doctorly business. He measured Heidi's uterine lining, which was right where she was supposed to be on a natural cycle. He made sure she had a dominant follicle…she did. Heidi, if you fail to remember, is an over-achiever. She wouldn't dare have a less than dominant follicle! That's just how she rolls. As an aside, not in a creepy way, but in a grandfatherly way, Dr. Weldon said Heidi had a cute little uterus while pointing to it on the screen. How many of you can say that? That's right. My wife has dominant follicles and a cute uterus. Booyah!
Off we go back home to wait for Heidi's LH surge (fancy talk for starting her ovulation). We invested in some home ovulation predictor tests (which, by the way, we totally should have bought stock in...those and preggar tests). Heidi starts her regiment of pre-natal vitamins, baby aspirin, and prednisone. Her much anticipated progesterone injections will begin after ovulation starts.
We work on positivity. We know that this time it will work...if we could just get to the transfer!
Well, Heidi's ovulatory cycle decided to be a little stubborn. It may be that she wasn't jacked up on a bunch of drugs before this...we relied on good, old-fashioned ovulation (the only thing missing was an icky boy!!!). Since we did not get a positive LH surge over the weekend, Dr. Weldon wanted us to come back in on Monday to take another look and make sure Heidi didn't sneak in ovulation without being predicted. She did not. Instead, she got a little gift from the nurse...a HCG trigger shot that will make her ovulate. We schedule "The Transfer" for Monday the 19th. She starts her progesterone injections on Thursday. Ah...I have missed these special moments with Heidi, injecting stuff into her tiny-hiney. We still had special Disney bandaids for the occassion. We go back to Dr. Weldons on Saturday for a blood test to measure the progesterone in case it needs to be adjusted...she's good to go. Why? Uh, because I'm the injector and I don't mess up! Intended in the most appropriate way possible, I can stick an ass better than most. :P
On March 14th, Heidi goes back, again, for a little eastern medicine. We are planning on having this session, then one immediately before and immediately after the transfer. Transfer day will be a busy day for Heidi...acupuncture, transfer, acupuncture, and hopefully a nap!
March 19th arrives. Transfer Day. The big day. The day starts. Early. Our transfer is scheduled for 9:30. That means we have to be in Tampa for acupuncture in time to do that and get to Lutz. We get the first round of sticky stuff (Heidi even took one in the ear with her...good luck, you know!). Then we head to Dr. Welden's office. Sitting in the waiting room is long. Remember, we don't even know yet if we can do the transfer because we don't know if the embryo's are going to survive the thaw. They don't do the thaw until close to the time of the transfer. So, to be a little punny, Heidi was on pins and needles for the second time that day. (Ha...PUN-ny. Get it? Moving on...)
So, Dr. Bill, our embryologist comes into the waiting room. Now, you have to know that Dr. Bill is pretty straight-laced. Very solemn and doctorly like. He comes into the waiting room looking somber and prepared to deliver bad news. Yep. That's when my heart dropped. Pretty sure Heidi's did to. Damn Dr. Bill and his somber persona. He came out to advise that three embryos survived. That is not the look of surviving embryo's! Damn you Dr. Bill! In typical Dr. Bill fashion, his somber look was not indicative of doom. Instead, he wanted to know if we wanted to see the embryo's before the transfer. He said that we could, but he preferred to not expose them to light too much. We were fine with just a picture of the kiddies. We weren't interested in overexposure here! He also informed us of the great quality of the embryo's...two were AAA rated (I think that's the right rating) and the third was even starting to hatch!. So...we were golden (eggs)! We could do the transfer. We went back and much like the previous IUI's, Heidi stripped down and Dr. Welden got his insemination on. Dr. Bill was there holding our embryo's in the tube (kind of makes you think of a test tube baby, doesn't it?). Once Dr. Welden found his way in, the embryo's were set free in Heidi's uterus.
Afterward, back to the acupuncturist. Second time in one day. At this point, Heidi just shoots water out of various holes in her body because of all of the needle marks. I was only slightly envious as she also received a massage. I mean, this is all about her, but there was some tension kicking in my shoulders that could have stood to be rubbed out!
And so we wait. Again. Ten days until the blood test. I think we finally move from amatuer waiting to professional waiting.
As we wait, we continue our experimentation with eastern medicine. Our second acupuncture on March 6th had more needles added in addition to those previously added to the tummy. Somehow, eastern medicine says that adding hollow needles to Heidi's ears, that tiny spot between her eyes, along her hairline, and a few in the leg will help the fertility gods bless her baby making parts. This episode of sci-fi acupuncture finds Heidi wrapped in a silver mylar blanket for warmth. We were also introduced to a special Chinese herb cocktail via some kind of charcoal looking thing that was lit on fire and blown out and circled around the needles in her belly. We are told it is, in fact, not voo-doo. We are not so sure but hey, at this point, we're willing to do whatever it takes, even if it means summoning some unknown voodoo god. The acupunturist assures us that instead of voodoo, the ancient Chinese believed that this particular concoction would be absorbed through the acupuncture needles to increase circulation in the reproductive parts. The Chinese referred to it as getting the cold out of the belly. Yep. That's what we did. We got the cold out of the belly.
On March 9th, we go back to Dr. Weldon's office. We are so excited to be back! Heidi bakes brownies for the girls (because we all know fertilization and implantation is more successful with chocolate!). We are welcomed with big hugs from Pam and Tana (our favorite nurses...ever!). Then we head back to the exam room. Now, it takes a moment for us to realize that the last time we were in this room, we got pregnant. It takes my breath away, even now, thinking about it. The last time...pregnant. The only thing that could pull us back from this reverie of sadness was, of course, Pam and Tana, entering the room as my wife sat half-naked on the exam table because they missed us so much. They wanted to come visit while we waited on Dr. Weldon. Did I mention Heidi was half naked? Bottom half? I did...
So, after some half-naked chitchat, Dr. Weldon came in to do his doctorly business. He measured Heidi's uterine lining, which was right where she was supposed to be on a natural cycle. He made sure she had a dominant follicle…she did. Heidi, if you fail to remember, is an over-achiever. She wouldn't dare have a less than dominant follicle! That's just how she rolls. As an aside, not in a creepy way, but in a grandfatherly way, Dr. Weldon said Heidi had a cute little uterus while pointing to it on the screen. How many of you can say that? That's right. My wife has dominant follicles and a cute uterus. Booyah!
Off we go back home to wait for Heidi's LH surge (fancy talk for starting her ovulation). We invested in some home ovulation predictor tests (which, by the way, we totally should have bought stock in...those and preggar tests). Heidi starts her regiment of pre-natal vitamins, baby aspirin, and prednisone. Her much anticipated progesterone injections will begin after ovulation starts.
We work on positivity. We know that this time it will work...if we could just get to the transfer!
Well, Heidi's ovulatory cycle decided to be a little stubborn. It may be that she wasn't jacked up on a bunch of drugs before this...we relied on good, old-fashioned ovulation (the only thing missing was an icky boy!!!). Since we did not get a positive LH surge over the weekend, Dr. Weldon wanted us to come back in on Monday to take another look and make sure Heidi didn't sneak in ovulation without being predicted. She did not. Instead, she got a little gift from the nurse...a HCG trigger shot that will make her ovulate. We schedule "The Transfer" for Monday the 19th. She starts her progesterone injections on Thursday. Ah...I have missed these special moments with Heidi, injecting stuff into her tiny-hiney. We still had special Disney bandaids for the occassion. We go back to Dr. Weldons on Saturday for a blood test to measure the progesterone in case it needs to be adjusted...she's good to go. Why? Uh, because I'm the injector and I don't mess up! Intended in the most appropriate way possible, I can stick an ass better than most. :P
On March 14th, Heidi goes back, again, for a little eastern medicine. We are planning on having this session, then one immediately before and immediately after the transfer. Transfer day will be a busy day for Heidi...acupuncture, transfer, acupuncture, and hopefully a nap!
March 19th arrives. Transfer Day. The big day. The day starts. Early. Our transfer is scheduled for 9:30. That means we have to be in Tampa for acupuncture in time to do that and get to Lutz. We get the first round of sticky stuff (Heidi even took one in the ear with her...good luck, you know!). Then we head to Dr. Welden's office. Sitting in the waiting room is long. Remember, we don't even know yet if we can do the transfer because we don't know if the embryo's are going to survive the thaw. They don't do the thaw until close to the time of the transfer. So, to be a little punny, Heidi was on pins and needles for the second time that day. (Ha...PUN-ny. Get it? Moving on...)
So, Dr. Bill, our embryologist comes into the waiting room. Now, you have to know that Dr. Bill is pretty straight-laced. Very solemn and doctorly like. He comes into the waiting room looking somber and prepared to deliver bad news. Yep. That's when my heart dropped. Pretty sure Heidi's did to. Damn Dr. Bill and his somber persona. He came out to advise that three embryos survived. That is not the look of surviving embryo's! Damn you Dr. Bill! In typical Dr. Bill fashion, his somber look was not indicative of doom. Instead, he wanted to know if we wanted to see the embryo's before the transfer. He said that we could, but he preferred to not expose them to light too much. We were fine with just a picture of the kiddies. We weren't interested in overexposure here! He also informed us of the great quality of the embryo's...two were AAA rated (I think that's the right rating) and the third was even starting to hatch!
Afterward, back to the acupuncturist. Second time in one day. At this point, Heidi just shoots water out of various holes in her body because of all of the needle marks. I was only slightly envious as she also received a massage. I mean, this is all about her, but there was some tension kicking in my shoulders that could have stood to be rubbed out!
And so we wait. Again. Ten days until the blood test. I think we finally move from amatuer waiting to professional waiting.
Monday, March 5, 2012
On pins and needles...
Ah...we are back. After a much needed reprieve from baby making and a couple of snowboard trips to soothe the mind, body and soul, here we are. Back and ready to make 2012 the year of the baby (we have our own Chinese calendar...year of the snowboard, year of the baby, you get it). It's been a few months and Heidi's uterus has enjoyed some well deserved break time. Since August, we have not taken any blood from her little body. We have not injected any hormones or spermies into her little body. We have not done any of the lesbian make-a-baby rituals. We are starting fresh and with a new mission. Well, same mission, but with renewed spirit.
When I was a younger lad, I had in my mind the idea that all lesbians were earthy and one with nature. I assumed they all wore Birkenstocks and had cats. They were all recyclers and aligned with Mother earth. We are not that kind of lesbian. Well, we have one cat but we don't really like him so I don't think that counts. However, desperate times call for desperate measures and so we find ourselves exploring more holistic opportunities. Ancient opportunities. Eastern opportunities. I speak of the ancient mystery known as fertility acupuncture. Yes, once again I am subjecting my self-respecting wife to the proverbial prick. Or ten. In the form of small acupuncture needles.
How, you ask, did it occur to us to explore the option of fertility acupuncture? Well, it was quite accidentally, actually. My beloved was perusing the pages of People magazine when she happened upon an article about Celine Dion (near, far, wherever you are...have fun getting that out of your head). In the article, Celine discussed the trials and tribulations of getting pregnant via IVF. I believe she tried somewhere along the lines of seven times unsuccessfully. In that article, she said she had fertility acupuncture and that was the time it worked. Coincidence? I don't know but we did a little research (thank goodness for the Internet and friends who enjoy the occasional "prick") and decided, eh, it can't hurt (of course, we confirmed that with our nurse and the acupuncturist and additional research). So, we made an appointment with an acupuncturist who worked under a MD (a little more reassuring for us, that whole medical license component) and opened our minds to learn about eastern medicine.
Not a bad appointment. The acupuncturist was very informative and very knowledgeable. She discussed the particular protocol tested several times across the pond in England and advised their office followed that same protocol. She discussed the differences in pregnancy rates between a test group of IVF participants with and without the fertility acupuncture. She gave us some handouts to read whilst we relaxed in a bubble bath...really, the best time to learn about eastern medicine. She was a super fast talker so I spent most of the consultation leaning forward, listening hard. Apparently, however, it was no effort for Heidi to understand her because as she advised me "I'm used to listening to you". LOL (Note to self: work on pacing the speed at which I talk.) The acupuncturist gave us the basic 411 on acupuncture and how it worked...think meridians, think blocked rivers with a "dam" problem with flows, think the five elements...really, it narrowed down to ancient eastern medicine in practice for about 3000 years and no one really "knows" how it works. Fantastic...sign us up.
And so, on our first date with the acupuncturist, we went all the way. An interesting experience but surprisingly pain-free. At least for me. :) Actually, for little Heidi as well. There were about thirteen needles in her baby making region (specifically, between her ribs and pelvic bone) and two needles in each ankle. Four of the needles on her uterus (uty, for short) had positive and negative proby-things.
And the best part for Heidi (or at least it would have been for me), were the little electrodes placed ever so gently on Heidi's ears that gave her the same head effect as a glass or two of wine, meant to relax her. And relax her it did.
And if that weren't enough, the whale song music in the background finished her off. She sat there for about twenty-five minutes, practicing her visualization. And laying on a table with a bunch of needles sticking out of her. Let me just say again, for the record, that while she said it didn't hurt, I continue to be amazed by the lengths my amazing wife will go through to make this happen. She didn't hesitate to explore and try this option. She laid there, listening to whales sing, visualizing, and hoping. This is one of the many, many, many reasons I am hopelessly in love with her. She amazes me.
Back to the pins and needles...so, after her first acupuncture experience, she is feeling pretty relaxed and a little tired...good stuff! That's what the acupuncturist said would happen. And we made an appointment for this Tuesday and plan to get the deed done the day of the embryo transfer, both before and after the transfer, in hopes of increasing our odds a little more.
What? What's that, you say? Transfer? What the hell else is going on? Well, we came back from vacation ready to go. Anxious and ready to make a baby. So, we aren't wasting any time. The first day of acupuncture was also the first day of Heidi's cycle. Day One. This Friday is Day Ten. So, we have an appointment with the fertility doctor for an ultrasound to measure the thickness of Heidi's uty and see where she is in the ovulation cycle. If she's ripe, we get a trigger shot and in a week, we go in for the transfer. If you remember, we have five frozen embryos. We're going to try to use those, all five if they survive the thaw, and see if that makes a baby.
What are our challenges between now and then? Well, not too much...this particular cycle won't have near the meds the full IVF had. We have a couple of acupuncture appointments (maybe I can try to sneak one in for myself...see if I can't cure this back pain) and then after the ultrasound, a few hcg shots and maybe some progesterone. Our big concern, aside from the obvious "Will we get pregnant?" comes with the thaw. We won't know if the embryos will survive the thaw until the day of the transfer. So, my dearest friends (and strangers alike), keep your fingers crossed and send positive vibes to our little spermsicles that they may defrost and anxiously implant into a warm, prepared, happy and healthy uty.
Here we go again. Eastern medicine meets western medicine. We will go to the ends of the earth to make this happen. Hopefully, this will be our time...the year of the baby.
When I was a younger lad, I had in my mind the idea that all lesbians were earthy and one with nature. I assumed they all wore Birkenstocks and had cats. They were all recyclers and aligned with Mother earth. We are not that kind of lesbian. Well, we have one cat but we don't really like him so I don't think that counts. However, desperate times call for desperate measures and so we find ourselves exploring more holistic opportunities. Ancient opportunities. Eastern opportunities. I speak of the ancient mystery known as fertility acupuncture. Yes, once again I am subjecting my self-respecting wife to the proverbial prick. Or ten. In the form of small acupuncture needles.
How, you ask, did it occur to us to explore the option of fertility acupuncture? Well, it was quite accidentally, actually. My beloved was perusing the pages of People magazine when she happened upon an article about Celine Dion (near, far, wherever you are...have fun getting that out of your head). In the article, Celine discussed the trials and tribulations of getting pregnant via IVF. I believe she tried somewhere along the lines of seven times unsuccessfully. In that article, she said she had fertility acupuncture and that was the time it worked. Coincidence? I don't know but we did a little research (thank goodness for the Internet and friends who enjoy the occasional "prick") and decided, eh, it can't hurt (of course, we confirmed that with our nurse and the acupuncturist and additional research). So, we made an appointment with an acupuncturist who worked under a MD (a little more reassuring for us, that whole medical license component) and opened our minds to learn about eastern medicine.
Not a bad appointment. The acupuncturist was very informative and very knowledgeable. She discussed the particular protocol tested several times across the pond in England and advised their office followed that same protocol. She discussed the differences in pregnancy rates between a test group of IVF participants with and without the fertility acupuncture. She gave us some handouts to read whilst we relaxed in a bubble bath...really, the best time to learn about eastern medicine. She was a super fast talker so I spent most of the consultation leaning forward, listening hard. Apparently, however, it was no effort for Heidi to understand her because as she advised me "I'm used to listening to you". LOL (Note to self: work on pacing the speed at which I talk.) The acupuncturist gave us the basic 411 on acupuncture and how it worked...think meridians, think blocked rivers with a "dam" problem with flows, think the five elements...really, it narrowed down to ancient eastern medicine in practice for about 3000 years and no one really "knows" how it works. Fantastic...sign us up.
And so, on our first date with the acupuncturist, we went all the way. An interesting experience but surprisingly pain-free. At least for me. :) Actually, for little Heidi as well. There were about thirteen needles in her baby making region (specifically, between her ribs and pelvic bone) and two needles in each ankle. Four of the needles on her uterus (uty, for short) had positive and negative proby-things.
And the best part for Heidi (or at least it would have been for me), were the little electrodes placed ever so gently on Heidi's ears that gave her the same head effect as a glass or two of wine, meant to relax her. And relax her it did.
And if that weren't enough, the whale song music in the background finished her off. She sat there for about twenty-five minutes, practicing her visualization. And laying on a table with a bunch of needles sticking out of her. Let me just say again, for the record, that while she said it didn't hurt, I continue to be amazed by the lengths my amazing wife will go through to make this happen. She didn't hesitate to explore and try this option. She laid there, listening to whales sing, visualizing, and hoping. This is one of the many, many, many reasons I am hopelessly in love with her. She amazes me.
Back to the pins and needles...so, after her first acupuncture experience, she is feeling pretty relaxed and a little tired...good stuff! That's what the acupuncturist said would happen. And we made an appointment for this Tuesday and plan to get the deed done the day of the embryo transfer, both before and after the transfer, in hopes of increasing our odds a little more.
What? What's that, you say? Transfer? What the hell else is going on? Well, we came back from vacation ready to go. Anxious and ready to make a baby. So, we aren't wasting any time. The first day of acupuncture was also the first day of Heidi's cycle. Day One. This Friday is Day Ten. So, we have an appointment with the fertility doctor for an ultrasound to measure the thickness of Heidi's uty and see where she is in the ovulation cycle. If she's ripe, we get a trigger shot and in a week, we go in for the transfer. If you remember, we have five frozen embryos. We're going to try to use those, all five if they survive the thaw, and see if that makes a baby.
What are our challenges between now and then? Well, not too much...this particular cycle won't have near the meds the full IVF had. We have a couple of acupuncture appointments (maybe I can try to sneak one in for myself...see if I can't cure this back pain) and then after the ultrasound, a few hcg shots and maybe some progesterone. Our big concern, aside from the obvious "Will we get pregnant?" comes with the thaw. We won't know if the embryos will survive the thaw until the day of the transfer. So, my dearest friends (and strangers alike), keep your fingers crossed and send positive vibes to our little spermsicles that they may defrost and anxiously implant into a warm, prepared, happy and healthy uty.
Here we go again. Eastern medicine meets western medicine. We will go to the ends of the earth to make this happen. Hopefully, this will be our time...the year of the baby.
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