An unfortunate waiting game

I find that when I have good news to share, I can't wait to get on-line to blog about it. When I have less than ideal news to share, I marinate on it, procrastinate blogging and wait to post. And wait. And wait. As if waiting will change the content of the blog. So, I've waited long enough...here goes.

Almost two weeks ago, we went in for our ultrasound to see if Heidi was ovulating. We chatted on the way to the doctors about how cool it would be if she were ovulating right now and we could inseminate next month. I admit, it didn't seem far fetched to me and I was really excited that we were progressing so quickly in our little endeavor. We've already picked out our donor. We have the money in the bank...nothing left to wait for but Heidi's egg maker.

When we got to the ultrasound, the doctor was very good at showing us all of the important parts of her, well, her parts. We saw her little uterus (hehehe) and well, other stuff that I can't recall the exact name of (I am not medically inclined when it comes to remembering technical names). Then he got to fallopian tube #1. He showed us some small dark spots that could be either evidence of ovulation or something else. They were small, less than a centimeter each. There was an explanation of the end of the fallopian tube "exploding" or something to that effect when ovulation occurred. OK, well, I guess that's good. Then, he moved to fallopian tube #2. That brought us to a very large black spot, measuring over 3 centimeters. Let me just interject here...when your "parts" are on the monitor and enlarged for better visibility, they look much bigger than three centimeters. And when the size is magnified, and you find a large, dark cyst, it looks downright ominous. It was a weird moment. The sensation that something wasn't right but not really understanding what wasn't right. The doctor, again, went into a very technical spiel, big words, but definitely the words "further tests", "cancer", "issues with fertility". How is it, I wonder, that when a person is talking you can clearly hear certain words but not others? It boils down to him not knowing what it was. It could be signs of endometriosis, which doesn't make fertility impossible, but certainly more difficult. It could be something else...that word you don't want to think about, that word that even now brings the pang of tears behind my eyes.

The nurse took some blood for testing. There was that sad "I'm sorry" look in her eyes. That feeling that there was tiptoeing around you made the fear a little more pronounced.

And, we left. We'd wait for the blood test results to come back then schedule another ultrasound. With any luck, there would be a change in the size of the cyst, or mass, or whatever it is. If there's a change in size, that's good news. If not, well, not good news. I don't know what next steps would be...maybe surgery, maybe more testing. I don't know.

This blog is meant to track our progress on this journey. This was the first time in our progress that we said very little to each other on the way home. It was the first time that I was afraid to think about the future. It was the first time I didn't want to talk or think about this process. Even now, almost two weeks later, it makes my heart hurt to think that there is even the smallest chance that something could happen to Heidi. She is my world, my everything - she is the love of my life. I can't even find the words to describe how the thought of something being wrong with her makes me short of breath, makes my heart weigh twenty extra pounds and beat hard in my chest. Ugh!

On the up side, we did get the blood results back. The nurse said they were normal. Good news. I mean, normal is good, right? I don't know what it was normal for, but normal is good. Just a bump in the road...

So, in one and a half days, we go back to the doctor for another ultrasound. Fingers are crossed. Toes and eyes are also crossed for good measure. Friday at 1:00. Say a little prayer, send a little thought...think of, well, think of Heidi's uterus and send good vibes. Vibes...hahaha...even sad and scared, I still make myself laugh.

It's all good. It will all be good. I know it.