Well, hello Abercrombie sperm...

After Heidi's roto-rootering and a heckuva week of recovery for her (it felt like little aliens were rearranging her innards), we made our way back to the fertility doc to see what all that rooting meant and what our next steps were. We had already received the initial information after the surgery so our visit was just to make sure nothing else was found and get a little more 411 on future plans. Not much else was discussed, except Dr. W did mention that one of Heidi's ovaries had a film across it that may have prevented the egg from reaching the tube o' fallopia. He also mentioned that he zapped that film with the endometriosis spots so that shouldn't be an issue for our next inspermination. He also provided us with a fabulous DVD, which I anticipate will win some type of documentary award, of her surgery. Sadly, Heidi won't let me YouTube it, which is a shame because I'm pretty sure I could come up with some comedic commentary. We watched all 15 minutes of the video when we got home, completely amazed at how he tossed her innards around with such ease and laughing that when he cauterized the spotties of endometriosis, it created smoke. Kinda makes you wonder what a little flatulence would have netted...perhaps she could have set off a fire alarm with a smokey fart. I digress...

Because your involvement in our process is important to us, we felt like it would only be fair to share an integral part of our process with you. I present to you, for the first time ever shown in public (drumroll, please)....Heidi's uterus and fallopian tubes! Hold your applause, please...they are very camera shy.

So, Dr. W advised that we could try the next inspermination (#4, for the record) with her next cycle if we wanted to. Pft! Of course we wanted to! That meant we could rush home and do what any self-respecting lesbian would do...get some swimmers! Sperm, that is. Fertilization oil (suddenly the theme song of Beverly Hillbillies is rolling around in my head). Now, let me take you back to our most recent donor of choice...glass blowing baby. On April 6, there were 30 vials of glass blower left. Plenty to go around, my friends. Remember he was the new donor from the new bank. Credit card at the ready, time to order spermages! Errtttt! (That's my onomatopoeia for screeching brakes - visualize it aurally). Sold out. Apparently, once word got out that we were in the market for glass blowing baby, every other lesbo wanted to have our baby daddy's baby. Yea, we may have dropped the F bomb here. Are you frigging serious? Back to the drawing board. We had a second choice from our search that we revisited. Nice looking kid. Good grades. Athletic. And due to his wardrobe of choice, we fondly refer to him as Abercrombie baby. Credit card at the ready, again. Time to order some washed Abercrombie baby sperm! What's that noise? What's that sound I hear in the distance, getting louder and louder? ERRTTTT! No washed sperm. Only unwashed. And before you ask, no, they cannot wash the unwashed (and no, I don't know why). Yep, the F bomb may have come out again here. What's a girl gotta do in this town to get knocked up??? So, we tuck the credit card back into the wallet until we can get this sorted out. Call the doctor...since Heidi's uterus is ever so sensitive, can their embryologist wash the sperm. Yes. Well, can he use something other than what he usually uses (the active ingredient in his wash is the same as the first sperm bank). Don't know. Gotta check. Waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting...return phone call. Yep, he can use a salt water wash. Can it be? Shall we pull the credit card back out? Why yes, we can! Two vials of Abercrombie baby sperm, coming up! So, I introduce you to Abercrombie baby...please, please, please, Mr. Fitch, please have some strong swimmers (which, ironically, he IS a swimmer! This may be a sign!).

So, we have a freshly cleaned out uterus, brand-brand spanking new sperm and a renewed spirit. What else can be done? Well, of course, any insperminating lesbians worth their salt would have seen this, but not us. Not until now. Why didn't we think of this? Why were we so remiss? What do I speak of, you ask? Duh...fertility foods! Yea, so we have fallen victim to the internet and sought out diets that increase your chance of fertility. Imagine if you will, the excitement on Heidi's little countenance when she heard of all of the delicious and nutritious opportunities she has to enhance her fertility...asparagus, nuts (what??? she doesn't like nuts!), spinach, tofu, liver, fish, my mouth is watering just typing all of these tasty treats. And which of these will Heidi incorporate into her diet? If you know Heidi, you know the answer to this...absolutely none. MAYBE asparagus, but it needs to be completely wrapped in bacon so none of the green can be seen or tasted. So, we compromised and bought some vitamins...cod liver oil and iron. Aside from the completely disgusting thought of how the cod liver oil gel cap would taste if she accidentally bit it instead of swallowed it, it's not so bad. She's increasing her dairy intake. She's taking in more grains and oats. She even managed to munch on some wasabi and soy almonds. This is some amazing food dedication people!!!

Before I sign off and wait for another looonnnggg few weeks for the cycle to start (she's due for her period in about five days, then ten days for the ultrasound, then four more days until the insemination...so, yea, a few weeks), I want to take a few moments to say a word or two about a new member of our family.

On May 18th, our fabulous friends, Laura and Tootie, welcomed into the world a beautiful, healthy, amazing baby boy. Both Heidi and I wanted to throw out a huge, colossal congratulations to the newest mommies we know. You both have a beautiful son and we are so proud to be a part of your lives, and now the life of your son. Tell him the aunties love him and can't wait to make him a best friend, a friend for life!

Signing off until the next inspermination...